Marriage - Interfaith, Same - Gender, What's the Deal?

Dear Tanta Golda,

I’ve been curious what the three main streams of Judaism have to say about interfaith marriage, and for that matter, what their stands are on same-sex marriage? And what about same-sex interfaith marriages while we’re at it?

Ardently Ambiguous

Dearest Ambiguous,

Very timely questions you ask!  What makes it timely? Well darling when I began looking into this I found out that just one month ago, May 31^st, the Rabbinical Assembly’s Committee on Jewish Law and Standards - which sets halachic policy for the Conservative movement - voted unanimously to provide the roughly 1,600 Conservative rabbis with guidelines on performing same sex marriages. According to my sources, this move constitutes an official sanction of same-sex marriage by the movement! 

In 2000 the Central Conference of American Rabbis - which speaks for the Reform movement - adopted a resolution which stated “the relationship of a Jewish, same gender couple is worthy of affirmation through appropriate Jewish ritual.” The Reform movement today sees the biblical injunctions against same-gender* couples and homosexuality in general, as being inconsistent with its long tradition of justice and compassion.  *This is the preferred term

The Orthodox movement however, still adheres to the traditional views of homosexuality expressed in the Torah. That is: no, never, no way. There is a nascent movement within the community to modernize this view, along with other egalitarian ideals, such as the ordination of female rabbis, but unfortunately as Tanta Golda sees it, same gender marriage has a long road to travel within the Orthodox movement.

Now, for your other question: interfaith marriage. Believe it or not, interfaith marriage has garnered far less acceptance across all streams of Judaism than same-gender marriage! Maybe you’re not surprised, but I was. (So, ‘no’ to the question of same-gender interfaith marriages.) As a Reform Jew Tanta Golda reads a lot about how the movement encourages reaching out to interfaith couples - but apparently this is after their marriage is a fait-au-complete.

Let me elucidate. The basic premise is that interfaith marriage “denies the distinctiveness of Jewish marriage, it weakens the fabric of family relationship and the survival potential of the Jewish community.” And this is from Mark Washofsky who wrote the definitive guide to contemporary Reform practice! This was re-affirmed institutionally at the 1973 meeting of the CCAR (Central Conference of American Rabbis).

The Orthodox have called interfaith marriage the “second silent holocaust”. No mincing of words here! They point to numerous sources to support their stance.

The Conservative movement ‘discourages intermarriage’, meaning their rabbis won’t perform any, but that they don’t shun those interfaith couples who wish to be members. They hope that eventually through acceptance of the interfaith couple, they will choose to raise their children as Jews, and the non-Jewish spouse will move closer to Judaism and eventually choose to convert.

The Reform movement holds similar views as above. You will find some Reform rabbis who will perform Jewish marriage ceremonies for interfaith couples, but they are in the minority.

Now perhaps you think the fears of the dilution of Judaism is unfounded, let me share some statistics gathered by the National Jewish Population Study of 2000-2001:

The intermarriage rate before 1970 was 13%. Between 1970-1979 it jumped to 28%. By 2001 it had reached 47%. That is, nearly half of marriages of Jews were to non-Jewish spouses. Half the couples in interfaith marriages  do not expose their children to any kind of (Jewish) religious instruction. 

Tanta Golda understands that these numbers are troublesome. But we live in an integrated society. Our social and business contacts are no longer limited solely to other Jews. You love who you love: Jewish, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, gay or straight. Who can say that this is not God’s will? Tanta Golda for one, would not presume to know.

Why Do We Bless Bread?

Dear Tanta Golda,

I’ve been asked to recite the blessing over the bread at a wedding and say a few words, but I am humbled to admit that I don’t know why we say a blessing over the bread. Could you help me out, please?

Bashfully Baffled B.

Darling Bashful,

Sometimes it is the most basic questions that are left unasked. Just because the question appears simple, doesn’t mean that everyone knows the answer!

First let us discuss briefly the purpose of prayer. The ancient rabbis (those slightly older than Tanta Golda dear) said that the purpose of prayer is to remind us of God’s presence at all times, and so that we don’t just take things for granted.

The Babylonian Talmud states: Whoever enjoys the fruit of this world without first saying a blessing has stolen from God. (B’rachot 35a) Goodness!

It is also stated in the Talmud that one should say 100 blessings - a day! Well if you have time to attend three daily services and throw in a few more blessings throughout the day for food, etc, you can easily get to 100, but really… 

Maimonides, the great Jewish philosopher said that there are three types of blessings: Those recited prior to eating, drinking, or smelling nice things - Birchot Hanehenin, blessings recited before performing a mitzvot - Birchot Hamitzvot, and blessings that express praise of God, give thanks, as well as those that ask for things - Birchot Hodaah.

There are two main ‘formulas’ for prayers. The vast majority begin with the same six words: Baruch ata Adonai, Eloheinu melech haolam… Praised are You, Adonai our God Ruler of the universe…

The second important formula is the one recited for ritual acts that are mitzvot-things we are commanded to do. These have a ten word opening: Baruch ata Adonai, Eloheinu melech haolam, asher kid’shanu b’mitzvoav v’tzivanu… Praised are You, Adonai our God Ruler of the universe, who hallows us with mitzvot, commanding us to…

The blessing that we recite over bread is one of the Birchot Hanehenin, so begins with the six word opening: Baruch ata Adonai, Eloheinu melech haolam, who brings forth bread from the earth.

Now to your question regarding the specific reason why we say a blessing over bread. Bread has always been seen as a symbol of life. In the Bible there are many examples of guests being offered bread to eat. (As you remember, Abraham and Sarah are famous for their hospitality.) In fact, bread is so important that this one blessing said at the beginning of the meal covers ALL the food to be eaten during the meal!

In other words, bread sustains us, and community sustains us, so we give thanks.

Keep your questions coming, whether basic or complex!  Love TG

When Does Chicken Moo? Or, Is Chicken Dairy?

Dear Tanta Golda,

A question came up at our pot luck the other night, can you eat chicken with dairy? If not, why not? 

Also, isn’t there some holiday coming up where we are supposed to eat dairy? What’s that about?

Debating Dietary Dilemmas 

Dearest Debating,

As always I’m impressed with the questions all of you send me. Chicken - oye! The biblical injunction states:”you shall not boil a kid in its mother’s milk”. (Exodus 23:19, 34:26, & Deuteronomy 14:21) This would seem to any logical person to refer to mammals alone, since for all intents and purposes only mammalian mothers produce milk. (I recently learned on Science Friday about an insect that does, but how many of us intentionally eat insects?) So, it would seem at first blush that chicken and milk would get the rabbinic nod. Ha!

In traditional Judaism chicken is not considered dairy - that is a food that can be eaten at the same meal as dairy products. This halacha is found in the Babylonian Talmud. The reasoning behind this stems from a) the fact that beef, lamb, and chicken are all slaughtered in the same ritual fashion, and b) because at least in ancient times they were all cooked in similar fashions and people might confuse them.

This is another instance when Tanta Golda just shakes her head and thinks that this shows once again how little men in ancient times understood about what went on in the kitchen. It’s not like ancient housewives went to the freezer and pulled out “mystery meat” and thought ‘is this chicken or lamb?’ In an age of no refrigeration, chicken was slaughtered usually a few hours before consumption. If I had just spent a half hour covered in chicken feathers, I’m pretty sure I’d remember that the meat I was cooking was chicken, not moo cow.

Some Jews choose to follow the biblical rules of kashrut alone, for them chicken and diary would be acceptable. If you are having guests over who keep kosher, you should check to see at what level they observe.

Now for your second question about a dairy holiday.

In just a few weeks we will be observing Shavuot (May 26-27 2012). It has become tradition to eat dairy dishes on this day. Several reasons are given.

One is that Shavuot has become associated with the day when the Jews received the Torah at Mt. Sinai. While they were learning about the rules of kashrut, especially those regarding ritual slaughter, they refrained from meat and ate dairy instead. Another reason is that the words of Torah are often compared to milk & honey. Similarly, the land of Israel is referred to as the land of milk & honey. I think it’s a wonderful excuse to eat cheesecake and blintzes! 

Enjoy - and keep sending those questions!

Love, Tanta Golda

What About Passover on Shabbat?

Dear Tanta Golda,

I understand that Passover starts on Shabbat this year. It there anything special I’m supposed to do?

Poorly Prepped for Pesach

Dear Poorly,

In case you haven’t noticed, Tanta Golda herself was not raised in an Orthodox home so she had to look this one up to be certain. The short answer – no. If Passover was starting on Saturday evening this would be a whole different story, but this doesn't occur again until 2021 so why look for trouble?

In this case the only effect on your Seder observance will the blessing said over the candles. – Remember, candles are lit for every Yom Tov.

So on Friday night you will say: Baruch ata Adonai, Eloheinu Melach haolam, asher kid’shanu b’mitzvotov, v’tzivanu, l’hadlik ner shel Shabbat v’Yom Tov.

For more Passover questions answered, check out my blogs from March and April of 2011

Love as always, and may your matzah always be crispy,

Tanta Golda

Quinoa for Pesach?

Dear Tanta Golda,
I'm going to be hosting a large group at my house on the second night of Pesach. I was wondering, can I serve quinoa?
Curious


Dearest Curious,


An interesting question! I'd say yes as it isn't one of the 5 prohibited grains: wheat, rye, oat, barley, spelt.


As you may know some Ashkenazic Jews also refrain from rice, and legumes such as peas ( this always seemed silly to me - I mean if it isn't in flour form, why not?) and Sephardic Jews often refrain from corn and rice as well as legumes.

Quinoa doesn't make any of these lists. It originated in the Andes - historically not a part of the world that our ancestors migrated from. Now perhaps rabbis in South America have made "rulings" on this, but I'd say you're safe.

Have a Happy Pesach!

Tanta Golda

Jewish Humor

Dear Tanta Golda,

I recently picked up a joke book and I noticed that there were quite a few Jewish jokes. This got me wondering: Why are there so many Jewish mother jokes? Don’t Catholics, Buddhists, and Jehovah’s Witnesses have mothers? Aren’t they funny too?
Son of a Jewish mother

Dear son,

Jewish mothers are funny? I hadn’t noticed…
All I do is worry about you – Stop slouching, you think I don’t know you’re slouching out there on the other side of this letter? Do you want to be as hunched over as that poor hunchback of Notre Dame? Do you think he had a Jewish mother? Of course not! Look at him.

Now where were we? Oy yes, why Jewish humor. There are some who say that Jewish humor stems from the legal and intellectual methods used in the Talmud, where the arguments are so elaborate and situations used so absurd, as to border on humor. I don’t know that the scholars of the time saw themselves as comedians, but it’s an interesting concept to ponder.

Now that you’re done pondering, let’s look at more modern roots of Jewish humor. Much of what we in the United States think of as “Jewish Humor” had its roots in Eastern Europe. Why is Eastern Europe so important to humor? Well, bubalah that is where the majority of American Jews can trace their ancestry. So now, think pogroms, blood libel, and the Holocaust. Is it any wonder that Saul Bellow once said, “Oppressed people tend to be witty.” It was a part of a long tradition in Eastern Europe to mock powerful people. Look at Purim Shpeils. A scholar of Jewish humor – Rabbi Woldoks – said that humor defends the poor against the exploitation of the upper classes or other authority figures (even rabbis!)

This style of self- deprecating humor was brought to American consciousness first through vaudeville, then radio, stand-up, films, and television. It is true that comedians have been disproportionally Jewish, though the past 15 or so years as seen a rise in the same sort of self deprecating humor coming from the African-American and Hispanic communities.

The stereotype of the overbearing Jewish mother and smothered son, was further fueled by fiction writers such as Herman Wouk and Philip Roth. Author William Helreich (another nice Jewish boy) posited that the attributes we associate with Jewish mothers (over protective, pushy, and guilt inducing) can equally describe mothers of other ethnicities. These traits have their roots in the self sacrifice of first generation immigrants who then transfer their aspirations onto their darlings. And why wouldn’t they? It has been noted that as the immigrant generation becomes further removed, mother jokes have morphed into the Jewish grandmother joke. Hmph!

If one does a web search (not for spiders, Tanta Golda wouldn’t tolerate them in her home!) there are plenty of jokes about Catholics (often listed as ‘clean’) and even Buddhists. The fact is – in Tanta Golda’s unbiased opinion – Jews are just funnier.

Yahrzeit Candle on the Birthday?

Find at amazon:Yahrzeit candles Yarhzeit candle holders

Tanta Golda,

I read your blog about lighting Yahrzeit candles (Oct ’10) and I was wondering: can I light a candle to honor my deceased father’s birthday?

Dutiful Daughter

Dearest Dutiful,

What a lovely question! To answer let us first look at why we light Yahrzeit candles in the first place. It is believed that the candle represents the soul of the departed which is never extinguished in our hearts. Like the flame of a candle, a human life is fragile and should be nourished and cherished. As it says in Proverbs, "The soul of man is the candle of G-d."

In other words, we light the candles so that every time we see the flame we are reminded of our loved ones. There is no prohibition that Tanta Golda can find against lighting a candle in addition to the traditional times (anniversary of their passing, erev Yom Kippur, and the conclusion of the three pilgrimage holidays: Sukkot, Pesach, & Shavuot.) I can see nothing wrong with wanting to honor and remember your father on his birthday by lighting a Yahrzeit candle. Yahrzeit candles 

May their memories be a blessing - Tanta G