Dear Tanta Golda,
The rabbi told us that during the month of Elul we are supposed to go around and ask people to forgive us. I’m mostly a nice person, but to be honest, sometimes I say something when I’m angry that I didn’t mean. But they are just words, no big deal, right? And what about people I gossiped about behind their backs? They don’t know about it, so why should I upset them?
Coward, Trying to do Better.
My Darling Coward,
There is an ancient Jewish proverb that goes: Loose tongues are worse than wicked hands. Words, shmords, you say. How can they be worse than a smack across the face? Let me tell you a story about the time my cousin Maidle asked the rabbi the same question.
The rabbi of our humble little village was old and wise, as rabbis were back in the old country. (Now, many of them are young and wise.) He told Maidle to take one of her fine goose down pillows up to the roof of the tallest building in the shtel. Once she was there, she should rip it open and let the feathers free.
Having done that, she returned to the rabbi. “Nu? I destroyed one of my good feather pillows—one so soft it was like sleeping on a cloud—but I did what you asked and released the feathers. Now what?”
The rabbi nodded. “Now,” he said, “go gather all the feathers.”
My cousin Maidle was shocked. “Why, that will be impossible! They have blown into every nook and cranny of the village!”
The rabbi sat back in his chair and nodded sagely, as rabbis do. “Ah, now you see. Words are like feathers. Once they are out they are nearly impossible to take back fully.”
So, back to the proverb. While physically more aggressive, the sting of a smack fades fairly quickly, but words—words linger. Now you know why gossip is called lashon hara - evil tongue.
During Elul, we are required to seek out those we’ve wronged since last Rosh Hashanah and ask forgiveness. But, how we ask depends on the extent of the ‘damage’ done. If your words created negative consequences, say the person lost standing in the community or was fired from their job, or was embarrassed in front of the whole office, then you must ask them directly for forgiveness. But, even if there is no lasting harm, and you know the person will be understanding, you should still ask. Like when you yell at your child for dropping garbage next to the garbage can and leaving it there—for the nth time. Oy!
However, if informing the person that you spoke about them will result in embarrassment or hurt—like gossiping with Chana after services about the hideous dress Maidle wore when she gave her speech at last month’s Sisterhood lunch, then it is acceptable to ask for general forgiveness without going into details. In fact, the rabbis say, if informing the person of the deed would cause embarrassment, that itself would be cause for asking forgiveness again.
Words matter, but actions speak louder. Go forth and show those you’ve wronged with your loose tongue that you will aim to do better in the year to come.
Much love, TG
