Dear Tanta Golda,
After a recent Friday night service, my friends and I got to talking about sitting Shiva. They both agreed that one sits Shiva for 7 days, but after my mother passed away, her rabbi told me that one only sits Shiva until Shabbat, so that if someone passed away on a Thursday, then you stopped sitting Shiva on Friday night. Who is right?
BB
Darling BB,
You hang out with brilliant people – one does indeed sit Shiva for seven days. Shiva literally means seven. I wonder if perhaps you’re confusing the prohibition of sitting Shiva on Shabbat with ending Shiva altogether.
According to tradition, one does not sit Shiva on Shabbat – in fact Halacha (Jewish law) goes so far as to prohibit it, and specifies that mourners are to go to the synagogue in the first Shabbat following a loved one’s death. (The Jewish Home) However, once Shabbat ends on Saturday evening, one returns to sitting Shiva. So, it may be that you misunderstood the rabbi’s instructions. In the aftermath of losing someone we are not always at our listening and comprehending best. And he may have presumed you knew this already and didn’t bother to explain further.
There are several holidays that also preempt the sitting of Shiva since the mitzvah of observing them supersedes everything else (except health and safety.) These holidays are: Pesach, Shavuot, Sukkot, Rosh Hashannah, and Yom Kippur. It is best to check with your rabbi for the specifics because it’s not as simple as it sounds.
All of this however does not mean that anyone expects your grief to just vanish. Judaism tries to balance the need for grieving with the importance of easing one’s way back into the world. The rabbis knew that without guidance, some people would become so distraught that they would wallow in their grief and forget to go on with life.
Judaism breaks mourning up into several periods after Shiva. They are: Sholoshim – the 30 day period after the funeral - one is supposed to return to work or school, but refrain from going to parties or other celebrations– who feels like going to a party so soon after a loss anyway? Next comes Shanah. For the eleven months following the funeral a mourner says kaddish daily. After eleven moths the family goes to the cemetery for the unveiling of the headstone. At this time one is supposed to go be ready to fully participate in life cycle events – including marriage. Personally, Tanta Golda couldn’t see being ready to get re-married after eleven months, but then again, she is blessed with a very happy marriage.
I hope that it is a long time until you need to sit Shiva again
Much love - TG
